Not Ready

Motherhood is tough, but what I've found is this....

When did my 7 month old turn 2?!!!!

The things I thought would be hard weren't, at least not as hard as I imagined.  The late night feedings, changing countless diapers, crying for hours (the baby not me), not washing my hair for 4 days, the physical healing after child birth...although these things were not FUN, I didn't mind it as much as I thought.  No, what's hard is watching your baby grow up too fast.

Look, I can stick my tongue out

My heart is not ready for the next stage.  I have known for awhile now that I don't really like change.  When I was working we had gotten a new computer system a few years back and right after I quit work they got another new one. I hated when we got "new updates" to our current system, a new fax machine, a new way of answering the phones, etc.  But with your child, it's a whole new dread I feel.  Although they are all good things it's still hard to watch my boy grow up so quickly and change so much in such a short time.  Lately I've been left feeling like I didn't get enough of the infant stage, and I'm a stay at home mom! How working mothers do it, I will never know.

See that loooong strand of hair on the right?

I remember back a few months ago when Patrick's hair started getting long and didn't stick straight up anymore, I was so sad about it.  Too sad in fact; it's just hair, right? It was just different and I was so used to and comfortable with what it had been.  Now he's cutting teeth and will be crawling soon and I am unprepared.  Yes, I am unprepared for the physical changes: teeth and nursing... YIKES! And once he's crawling I will have to utilize those baby gates and make sure nothing dangerous is within his reach.  It seems like every day I am packing away clothing that's too small.  Just last night Steve was putting Patrick in his PJ's and said his foot was all cramped up. :( His 6 month clothing is all beginning to be too small- his onesies are skin tight and his feet are all cramped in the one piece sleepers.

But my heart is less ready.  I just want my baby to be a baby forever at times. I find myself longing for those first few days home from the hospital when I could hold Patrick for hours and he would sleep then nurse and sleep again.  Now he won't sleep if I hold him, he needs his crib.

Again, all these changes are good, normal things that come with a healthy growing child but I'm just not ready.  I can't even bring myself to clip this LOOOOOONG strand of hair that hangs in my boy's face if his hair isn't swept to the side :)