The Waiting Period

It was August 2011 and Stephen and I decided to stop the birth control and start trying to get pregnant.  In my mind I had this gut feeling that I would have trouble getting pregnant or not be able to have a child at all.  Oh, the stupid things we tell ourselves... You see, I thought God would punish me because I had always said I didn't want children and if I did I would adopt, not have my own.  And I should also mention EVERYONE I knew (or so I thought) was having babies and they all got pregnant super fast.  This is not an exaggeration, I knew ten women that were either pregnant while I was trying or already had babies within the last few months and NONE of them took longer than TWO months to get pregnant.  I had this hope that God would surprise me though and I would get pregnant right away like everyone else...

After three months of trying, I decided to use the over the counter ovulation strips in hopes of quickening the process.  Did you know that you can't rush God and his plan? For some reason, I just kept thinking I could make things happen or not happen instead of waiting for what was supposed to be.  In December I thought I was pregnant.  I always started my period like clock work and I was two days late. I took a test and it was negative.  I was a little sad that I wasn't pregnant but not completely devastated.  Then January came and I had been using the ovulation tests with no success.  I was ovulating by the book but we weren't getting pregnant. I started to think I couldn't get pregnant. But why would God allow my heart to change from wanting to adopt (which I would still love to do) to having my own child if I couldn't get pregnant?  I began to feel depressed and sad, ALL THE TIME! And no kidding, I found out 6 other girls I knew were pregnant and while I wanted to be happy for them, I was DEVASTATED! Because I had this feeling I would have trouble getting pregnant we hadn't told anyone we were trying and it was becoming hard to hide my depression.  People had no idea how much it hurt for them to simply ask, "Do you think you and Steve will have a baby soon?" I needed someone to talk to so I told my sister in law, Britney. She sent me all kinds of encouraging articles and scripture and talked to me and just loved on me during this waiting period.  She was truly the biggest source of support and comfort. 

It was also at this time that Britney asked me to join her Bible Study group.  God works in mysterious, crazy, AMAZING ways doesn't he? Little did I know these women would love on me and invite me into their close group and make me feel so welcome at the time I needed it most.  After a few weeks Britney encouraged me to ask them pray for me and my situation.  I felt very uneasy and insecure about this. So, first I prayed to God myself and asked him to allow me to be more open and ask them for their prayers.  I also decided to stop taking the ovulation test and stop obsessing over getting pregnant and just WAIT! Waiting is not really something I'm good at, in fact that's probably the biggest understatement I've ever made! Just ask my husband, he will tell you I HATE waiting and I HATE surprises.

I went to the doctor in February for my annual checkup and my doctor assured me that it just probably wasn't the "right time". He highly doubted I would have any issues getting pregnant but whenever I was ready we could take the next step into investigating why I wasn't getting pregnant or to speed up the process.  He jokingly said, "You know, if you were 16 and in the back of a car you would have gotten pregnant the first time." HA! I love my OB/GYN by the way, he's great!

It was March and I was late again. I took a test but it was negative and I thought nothing of it.  I honestly wasn't even disappointed this time because I had told myself I wasn't going to get pregnant. A week later I took another test that had negative results.  March 12th I was at bible study and asked the group to add me to their prayer request. I didn't ask them to pray that I would get pregnant.  I had changed my own prayer and wanted them to pray the same..."Lord, let me know what I'm supposed to learn during this time of waiting and trust YOU." I went to work the next day like always and during my lunch break realized I still hadn't started my period (I was 15 days late).  I honestly just knew I wasn't pregnant but bought a test before I left.  I should note that I was working at CVS as a pharmacy tech and because I didn't want anyone knowing we were trying I had bought previous pregnancy tests at Rite Aid down the street. HA!  Anyway, I bought my test and the lady at the counter said, "Oh no, not you too?" I told her kindly (although her words stung) that I wasn't pregnant but it was just for future use.  My current boss had just returned from maternity leave, a co-worker was about to go on maternity leave and another co-worker had just found out she was pregnant (although I didn't know this yet).  I went home, took the test and went to start laundry.  I walked in the bathroom to toss the test away, knowing it was negative and when I picked it up noticed it was positive.  My honest reaction, "These cheap CVS pregnancy test, I knew I should have got name brand." So, I took another test just to easy my mind because I KNEW I wasn't pregnant.  Why would I be? We had been trying for 8 months why now?  I took the second test but this time starred until the results came through. POSITIVE! WHAT?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!

I went into the living room, literally fell to the floor and laughed! I laughed and then I cried and laughed and cried again.  I was an emotional mess and there on my living room floor I prayed again and thanked God for this amazing blessing and his faithfulness.  I called Stephen and because I couldn't wait I just blurted out I was pregnant. He asked why I hadn't told him I was taking a test and I told him it was because I "knew" I wasn't really pregnant.  The next day I made my doctor's appointment.