Nursing Update

The last few weeks have been difficult for Patrick and for myself.  It's been close to a month now that Patrick hasn't been wanting to nurse like he used to and it was a battle to get him to feed for ten minutes.  I had been concerned he wasn't getting enough milk from me but his pediatrician thought he was at his 9 month check up.  The week after his appointment things got worse.  Other than his first feeding, he didn't want to nurse at all and would cry and/or bite me when I tried to get him to nurse and would cry when he didn't eat since he was hungry.  I tried pumping and giving him bottles because he seemed to like the bottles and he also liked chewing on the nipples while feeding.  Unfortunately, I wasn't able to pump enough milk for him to take all bottles so it was a big struggle.

After a few meltdowns from him and a few Mama melt downs as well I decided to start giving him some formula.  There were a few different reasons for this: I still felt he wasn't getting enough milk from me.  Yes, enough to get by and live on but just the bare minimum.  Even if he was able to get twice as much as I could get with the pump that would only be 4-5 oz per feeding (20-25 oz a day).  According to his doctor, around this age he should only need 24oz of milk a day but I couldn't be sure he was actually getting that much.  He wasn't wanting to nurse and 4 battles a day was wearing me down quickly. He was continuing to bite me and I was bleeding some and just feeling "over it".  His third tooth (the upper one between a front and eye tooth) had just broke through and he was always wanting to chew on something, including me.  I talked with some friends, some who had nursed and some who hadn't and felt better about my choice to start some formula but I was still really upset about it.  I should add that I have NEVER once thought another mom was a bad mom for never nursing and giving her baby formula.  But for some reason this rule didn't apply to me, I felt like I was a bad mom for wanting to stop nursing.

A few weeks ago at my bible study I asked the group to pray for me because although I truly felt it was the right choice, I was really struggling and super upset.  I felt like I was failing Patrick and myself.  Although I knew nursing for 9 1/2 months was awesome and plenty of babies thrive on formula (myself included, I wasn't a breast baby) I was feeling awful about it.  After our meeting one of the women took me aside and gave me a good "talkin' to".  She was so sweet and kind and really put my fears and guilt to rest.  One thing she said hit me like a bat to the face, "When it was time to stop nursing with our first I went through the same emotions. After talking with my husband he mentioned it sounded like there was some pride behind my reasoning for wanting to continue to nurse and I knew I didn't need that in my life so I quit." PRIDE! Yup, that was definitely one of the BIG reasons I was wanting to keep nursing.  I wanted to be able to say, "I nursed for a year" and to feel good about MYSELF.  To know that I was the one who provided the main and best nourishment for my baby! (Please note that I know how insane this sounds since it wasn't me at all! It was God who has provided, he made me and my body which allowed for me to nurse...it's nothing I had done.)  Although I do believe breast feeding is best for my baby, it's not best if I'm doing it for the wrong reasons!  If my baby isn't truly getting enough nourishment from my milk because there simply isn't enough and I'm in A LOT of physical pain...it's not what's best for my baby or myself!

All that being said, Patrick refused to take the formula once I was finally ready to give it to him! WHAT!? You've got to be kidding me! I've been struggling for a month about this and I finally decide, "Yes this is what is right and best for me and my baby" but he won't drink it!  Again, after talking to some friends (Mama friends are the best by the way) I mixed my milk with the formula and just kept decreasing the amount of my milk in each bottle and after a week Patrick was taking full formula bottles! YAY!  For the first 2 weeks I continued to nurse in the mornings but by week 3 Patrick didn't want to nurse anymore.  The first morning this happened I was sad but I just told myself it was a natural part of life and it got easier.

Patrick has been happier, more alert longer and I have quit worrying.  I know he is getting enough milk now and my nipples are starting to heal! An added bonus, I no longer have to wear my crappy nursing bras or worry if my shirt is going to be easy enough to nurse in all day or if we are going somewhere.  I am also looking forward to having a little "me" time now that I won't have to be around for EVERY feeding.  My mom can keep Patrick for longer periods and so can Steve.  It's been a long and hard road but each day I feel better about my choice and happy that I was able to nurse for 9 1/2 months! And I should add, not so I can say, "I NURSED FOR 9 1/2 MONTHS!" But that God designed our bodies so amazingly that it allowed me to provide nourishment for Patrick and it gave me, as a mother, special bonding time with my sweet boy.  While I don't think nursing is the best and/or only way to bond with a baby, it has been a HUGE blessing for me.  As a first time, super insecure mama, nursing provided a huge bond between Patrick and myself.  I've never been a "baby person", most kids don't like me and I worried for so long that my children wouldn't love me, that I wouldn't be "motherly"or nurturing enough for them.  I had 9 1/2 months, at least  5 times a day, of just me and Patrick.  And for that, I am thankful!